Ending our war

I feel like I'm starting to get my life into balance, but it's probably to early to say yet.
The only thing I know, is that I woke up today, with a smile on my face. And to be honest, it's a while since that happened. Might have to do with the absolutely fantastic dream I had last night... ;)

And maybe a little because I had the cutest message on my phone.

But most likely it's because I realized I have started to move on. Because for the first time in years I thought about this guy, and didn't feel my heart beat faster. My heart didn't break by the thought of us not talking anymore, and it didn't care over the fact that he was one of my best friends.

I finally realized that it wasn't my fault. And that it wouldn't have been any better if I had done it any other way. I started writing this blog post yesterday, and let me tell you, you had gotten a completely other story if I posted that one. Because yesterday I was heartbroken. Yesterday he called, and my world flipped upside down. Again.

He suddenly apologizes for being an idiot.

I felt relieved after that phone call. Not because he confessed that he still loved me but because for the first time ever, I think he realized that a relationship between us would only end in tears.I'm not up for the whole distance relationship thing. I'm not saying it can't be done (all honor and credit to those that make it), but it's not for me. And I know that he wouldn't be happy either.

I'm sad over the fact that I wont ever get my best friend back, because now, it wouldn't work, and I know that if I ever had the opportunity to meet him, I would fall in love with him, again and again and again.

It's closure, and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to see someone else, and not think about him. I know for a fact, that my walls are higher now than they were when we were friends, because he broke them down. In an earlier entry I explained how I'm good at shutting down my emotions, and that's the truth. Maybe now I'll be brave enough to try and break them down myself?

I wish him all the best, and hope that he finds happiness in his life, because I care more for him than many other of my friends, even though he doesn't deserve it anymore as he said last night.

My poor friends have heard about this a LOT over the last years, and God bless them, they haven't left me in a ditch. And even though I said time and time again how over him I was, I know they didn't believe a word of it.

I love them <3

This song, yet again a song by Neon Trees, caught me off guard, because those lyrics, are everything that I've felt over the last years. It's the perfect post break up song.

When we were in our youth we had dreams that we could fly 

we had friends that weren't visible 

and love that never died 

and as we grow old I felt the pain that we always knew the truth 

love would heal if we stayed true to the dreams of our youth.

I've been walking 'round for hours

Holding onto stems of flowers

My chest is feeling all your pain

As it began to rain

And now the end has come to this

The little victories I'll miss

Of everything we'd overcome

And all that's said and done

I'm leaving our war behind

Life can go on without you

I'm leaving our war behind

The night that I leave town

The walls that you

Helped me take down

Are only getting taller now

And I've even forgotten how

To stand on my two feet

I wanna say 'I'm on my own'

And happier to be alone

But everything I do alone

Has every bit of you

I'm leaving our war behind

Life can go on without you

I'm leaving our war behind

The night that I leave town

Don't tell me to justify

leaving my life without you

I'm leaving our war behind

The night that I leave town

All my life 

It's always the same thing

All my life

It's always the same thing

All my life

It's always the same thing

It's always the same

It's always the same

It's always the same thing

I'm leaving our war behind

Life can go on without you

On brighter notices, I've colored my hair. Again. Because what better way to feel new? I'm posting pictures tomorrow, the first thing my boss said was: You look grown up, and I think it's about bloody time! I'm not sure if I actually look more grown up though, but it's certainly a interesting color, and one I haven't had before!