You know when you walk into a shop, and before you've even looked at anything, there is this annoying voice that says: "Do you want anything?" or maybe "do you need any help?" I hate that. Or if you are starting to get interested in something and then suddenly they jump over you like roaring lions and try to sell that and 10 other items to you as well.
I work in a shop, and I know what it's like, customers either want your help or want to be left alone. But I at least try to let them have a couple of minutes, walking around just looking before I ask them. I mean come on...
I also hate it when I'm shopping clothes, and you try this shirt on that looks absolutely horrible on you. And even though you, and every other person in the universe for that matter, sees that this thing is the most horrid thing ever worn by you, the shop assistant praise you because "you look sooooo beautiful!"
Oh. My. God. grow a pair and tell people your honest opinion. At least when you see that they hate the thing.
So that was todays rant, what bothers you?
februar 24, 2011
februar 23, 2011
You are beautiful
Don't you just love when someone tells you you look pretty or that you're hair looks beautiful or whatever really. It doesn't take much to make someone's day.
I had one of those day's today. Don't think I've had a single negative thought today. And that is a good day. No. A perfect day. A perfect day spent with wonderful people.
Most of the day was spent with two people, a guy and later on when he left me :( I got Anne to meet me :) So we had fun. So I've spent most of the day laughing around, being around people I like.
And that's what make me happy.
I love it when someone gives an compliment without any reason. I know I'm not good at it myself, but I'm working on it. I'm also working on taking a compliment, which I am horrible at.
As my friend said earlier today - "there will always be someone that love you, someone who thinks your beautiful and worth to risk everything for. You just need to see past your insecurities and accept that."
That boy astounds me sometimes, he goofs off at every opportunity but sometimes he comes up with stuff like that and just knocks the wind out of me. I love him, and how he makes everyone around him feel like they are important. He is amazing.
Anne also complimented me, which I denied, and she denied when I complimented her back. So we're both equally bad at receiving compliments.
All in all this has been a good day. A happy day. And I can only hope that tomorrow will be remotely the same.
What makes you happy? Who makes your heart flutter?
I had one of those day's today. Don't think I've had a single negative thought today. And that is a good day. No. A perfect day. A perfect day spent with wonderful people.
Most of the day was spent with two people, a guy and later on when he left me :( I got Anne to meet me :) So we had fun. So I've spent most of the day laughing around, being around people I like.
And that's what make me happy.
I love it when someone gives an compliment without any reason. I know I'm not good at it myself, but I'm working on it. I'm also working on taking a compliment, which I am horrible at.
As my friend said earlier today - "there will always be someone that love you, someone who thinks your beautiful and worth to risk everything for. You just need to see past your insecurities and accept that."
That boy astounds me sometimes, he goofs off at every opportunity but sometimes he comes up with stuff like that and just knocks the wind out of me. I love him, and how he makes everyone around him feel like they are important. He is amazing.
Anne also complimented me, which I denied, and she denied when I complimented her back. So we're both equally bad at receiving compliments.
All in all this has been a good day. A happy day. And I can only hope that tomorrow will be remotely the same.
What makes you happy? Who makes your heart flutter?
februar 20, 2011
Don't want it to stop!
I seriously didn't want to go home today. This weekend I've been on my old school having a reunion. Most of us haven't seen each other since last year!
It's an awesome school, and I have no idea if you have them other places than in Scandinavia, but I can explain really quickly what it's like. It's a school where you go for one year, and it's optional, but many students choose to go there for one year, to have fun, before they start college/university.
On my school we had five lines you could choose between: Adventure Africa, Adventure Egypt, Adventure Water, China - the middle empire and Animation. The three first are outdoor life kind of lines. In the China class they learnt to speak Chinese and had a trip to China for 6 weeks where they did different stuff. Animation kind of explains its self, they learned how to do it, and different techniques.
Originally I was a part of the Adventure Africa class, but after about two months I changed classes to Adventure Water because they had more extreme sports and such. I love to challenge myself in that way so it was an easy choice.
So in my class we mostly did surfing and hiking in the fall, before we went to the Czech Republic, where we spent our time canoeing and drinking (most epic trip ever). Over the winter we spent our time skiing, learning different tricks on skis like backflips. We also spent a lot of time in the swimming hall training on jumps from the diving board so that we could improve our ski tricks. And also we used a lot of time training on our river kayak skills. I was a bit behind on that since I changed class two months into the school year but I did good. Until we actually got to the river... But that's another story which ended in a pool of blood and 7 stitches.
So as you can see this is not a normal school year. We don't have grades, tests and exams. This year is mainly about growth and about getting more confident. You also have a hell of a time and gain a lot of new friends!
This weekend, however, it is almost 1 year since we ended our school year. So we had an reunion and most of the people showed up, the important ones for me did anyways. Except one. Our beloved class Assistant (which is a student from the previous year). You see, he is currently living in Canada and studying outdoor life. And he's staying for two years. He couldn't come, because, lets face it... It's a long way from Canada to Norway.
But one of the other Assistants, Simen and a guy in my class had an idea. And it was perfect. I'll show you later. So here are some pictures, (I've only been home for 3 hours and I'm already missing them <3)
These two are so cute. The guy in green have the most manipulative face ever. He can stretch it in every direction! They always made us laugh when we were hiking.
Trying to teach him a song on the piano. He learned it within half an hour. So proud <3
It's an awesome school, and I have no idea if you have them other places than in Scandinavia, but I can explain really quickly what it's like. It's a school where you go for one year, and it's optional, but many students choose to go there for one year, to have fun, before they start college/university.
On my school we had five lines you could choose between: Adventure Africa, Adventure Egypt, Adventure Water, China - the middle empire and Animation. The three first are outdoor life kind of lines. In the China class they learnt to speak Chinese and had a trip to China for 6 weeks where they did different stuff. Animation kind of explains its self, they learned how to do it, and different techniques.
Originally I was a part of the Adventure Africa class, but after about two months I changed classes to Adventure Water because they had more extreme sports and such. I love to challenge myself in that way so it was an easy choice.
So in my class we mostly did surfing and hiking in the fall, before we went to the Czech Republic, where we spent our time canoeing and drinking (most epic trip ever). Over the winter we spent our time skiing, learning different tricks on skis like backflips. We also spent a lot of time in the swimming hall training on jumps from the diving board so that we could improve our ski tricks. And also we used a lot of time training on our river kayak skills. I was a bit behind on that since I changed class two months into the school year but I did good. Until we actually got to the river... But that's another story which ended in a pool of blood and 7 stitches.
So as you can see this is not a normal school year. We don't have grades, tests and exams. This year is mainly about growth and about getting more confident. You also have a hell of a time and gain a lot of new friends!
This weekend, however, it is almost 1 year since we ended our school year. So we had an reunion and most of the people showed up, the important ones for me did anyways. Except one. Our beloved class Assistant (which is a student from the previous year). You see, he is currently living in Canada and studying outdoor life. And he's staying for two years. He couldn't come, because, lets face it... It's a long way from Canada to Norway.
But one of the other Assistants, Simen and a guy in my class had an idea. And it was perfect. I'll show you later. So here are some pictures, (I've only been home for 3 hours and I'm already missing them <3)
Checking out the space in the closet
Some of the most adorable girls I know
Aaand voila: ME!
Aww... I love Simen. He is adorable
The girl to the right was my roomie. God, I miss room 107 <3
And here you can see our class assistant and his mascot. Simen, and the guy to the right (awesome dude from my class) got a advertisement company to make a life size poster of him, and then they glued it to a board. We carried him with us EVERYWHERE! <3
And here you see. Everyone wants a piece of him. The girl in the red and the girl in the green jacket went to the Africa class with me. Love them <3
Later that night. Desperately trying to get a smile out of "little" Simen. (We had three of them so we had to give them nicknames. There was also a "Panda" Simen.) He never smiles at photographs. He is the sweetest guy ever. And a really good singer!
Jørgen (the assistant) of course, was fought over by many girls on the dance floor.
These two went to my class. The guy in red is the new assistant for this years class. But he said that it wasn't as fun this time. The only thing the new students do is partying. But he's having fun anyways :)
Assistant Simen and a girl from the China class
Then people started to leave :(
Then we were leaving, here we were ready to go. But we were like 14 people on the same bus so it was fun. And I was the first one to leave, broke my heart.
And here Assistant Simen made a provisional game. Made of paper and gummy bears. It was hilarious.
Me and Simen laughing our asses off as we started to play.
And then it was time to go. I don't have any pictures for that, because it was sad. Love them <3
februar 18, 2011
Hi!
I'm just blogging to say that I don't have time to blog! At least not a real one ;D
So there wont be any hair post. Because I'm on my way out the door to catch the bus, that will take me to some of the best people on earth. I miss them dearly.
So hope you'll have a great weekend, and I'll update on sunday :)
So there wont be any hair post. Because I'm on my way out the door to catch the bus, that will take me to some of the best people on earth. I miss them dearly.
So hope you'll have a great weekend, and I'll update on sunday :)
februar 16, 2011
Ending our war
I feel like I'm starting to get my life into balance, but it's probably to early to say yet.
The only thing I know, is that I woke up today, with a smile on my face. And to be honest, it's a while since that happened. Might have to do with the absolutely fantastic dream I had last night... ;)
And maybe a little because I had the cutest message on my phone.
But most likely it's because I realized I have started to move on. Because for the first time in years I thought about this guy, and didn't feel my heart beat faster. My heart didn't break by the thought of us not talking anymore, and it didn't care over the fact that he was one of my best friends.
I finally realized that it wasn't my fault. And that it wouldn't have been any better if I had done it any other way. I started writing this blog post yesterday, and let me tell you, you had gotten a completely other story if I posted that one. Because yesterday I was heartbroken. Yesterday he called, and my world flipped upside down. Again.
He suddenly apologizes for being an idiot.
I felt relieved after that phone call. Not because he confessed that he still loved me but because for the first time ever, I think he realized that a relationship between us would only end in tears.I'm not up for the whole distance relationship thing. I'm not saying it can't be done (all honor and credit to those that make it), but it's not for me. And I know that he wouldn't be happy either.
I'm sad over the fact that I wont ever get my best friend back, because now, it wouldn't work, and I know that if I ever had the opportunity to meet him, I would fall in love with him, again and again and again.
It's closure, and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to see someone else, and not think about him. I know for a fact, that my walls are higher now than they were when we were friends, because he broke them down. In an earlier entry I explained how I'm good at shutting down my emotions, and that's the truth. Maybe now I'll be brave enough to try and break them down myself?
I wish him all the best, and hope that he finds happiness in his life, because I care more for him than many other of my friends, even though he doesn't deserve it anymore as he said last night.
My poor friends have heard about this a LOT over the last years, and God bless them, they haven't left me in a ditch. And even though I said time and time again how over him I was, I know they didn't believe a word of it.
I love them <3
This song, yet again a song by Neon Trees, caught me off guard, because those lyrics, are everything that I've felt over the last years. It's the perfect post break up song.
The only thing I know, is that I woke up today, with a smile on my face. And to be honest, it's a while since that happened. Might have to do with the absolutely fantastic dream I had last night... ;)
And maybe a little because I had the cutest message on my phone.
But most likely it's because I realized I have started to move on. Because for the first time in years I thought about this guy, and didn't feel my heart beat faster. My heart didn't break by the thought of us not talking anymore, and it didn't care over the fact that he was one of my best friends.
I finally realized that it wasn't my fault. And that it wouldn't have been any better if I had done it any other way. I started writing this blog post yesterday, and let me tell you, you had gotten a completely other story if I posted that one. Because yesterday I was heartbroken. Yesterday he called, and my world flipped upside down. Again.
He suddenly apologizes for being an idiot.
I felt relieved after that phone call. Not because he confessed that he still loved me but because for the first time ever, I think he realized that a relationship between us would only end in tears.I'm not up for the whole distance relationship thing. I'm not saying it can't be done (all honor and credit to those that make it), but it's not for me. And I know that he wouldn't be happy either.
I'm sad over the fact that I wont ever get my best friend back, because now, it wouldn't work, and I know that if I ever had the opportunity to meet him, I would fall in love with him, again and again and again.
It's closure, and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to see someone else, and not think about him. I know for a fact, that my walls are higher now than they were when we were friends, because he broke them down. In an earlier entry I explained how I'm good at shutting down my emotions, and that's the truth. Maybe now I'll be brave enough to try and break them down myself?
I wish him all the best, and hope that he finds happiness in his life, because I care more for him than many other of my friends, even though he doesn't deserve it anymore as he said last night.
My poor friends have heard about this a LOT over the last years, and God bless them, they haven't left me in a ditch. And even though I said time and time again how over him I was, I know they didn't believe a word of it.
I love them <3
This song, yet again a song by Neon Trees, caught me off guard, because those lyrics, are everything that I've felt over the last years. It's the perfect post break up song.
When we were in our youth we had dreams that we could fly
we had friends that weren't visible
and love that never died
and as we grow old I felt the pain that we always knew the truth
love would heal if we stayed true to the dreams of our youth.
I've been walking 'round for hours
Holding onto stems of flowers
My chest is feeling all your pain
As it began to rain
And now the end has come to this
The little victories I'll miss
Of everything we'd overcome
And all that's said and done
I'm leaving our war behind
Life can go on without you
I'm leaving our war behind
The night that I leave town
The walls that you
Helped me take down
Are only getting taller now
And I've even forgotten how
To stand on my two feet
I wanna say 'I'm on my own'
And happier to be alone
But everything I do alone
Has every bit of you
I'm leaving our war behind
Life can go on without you
I'm leaving our war behind
The night that I leave town
Don't tell me to justify
leaving my life without you
I'm leaving our war behind
The night that I leave town
All my life
It's always the same thing
All my life
It's always the same thing
All my life
It's always the same thing
It's always the same
It's always the same
It's always the same thing
I'm leaving our war behind
Life can go on without you
On brighter notices, I've colored my hair. Again. Because what better way to feel new? I'm posting pictures tomorrow, the first thing my boss said was: You look grown up, and I think it's about bloody time! I'm not sure if I actually look more grown up though, but it's certainly a interesting color, and one I haven't had before!
februar 14, 2011
Best. Valentines Gift. Ever
Sorry for the loooong hold. But I got on a little down after last post, didn't think I would, but when you've written it out for everybody to see, it's kind of like reliving it, you know? Sorry :)
So today is valentines day, and I've never cared much for it at all. But this year something unusual happened, and it probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't made such a fool out of myself yesterday.
It started out when I was driving (the awesomest) Anne home, after watching Lord of the Rings, return of the king. I was using my uncles car, and you can't listen to music there, because the stereo is broken. I HATE to drive without music. I mean, that's 70% of the reason why I drive, I can bellow out the lyrics and nobody gives a damn.
So we sat in the car singing, to make up for the fact that we had no music. Since I have practically brainwashed her with 30 seconds to mars, that was our mainly source on the way. 20 minutes later I after saying our good byes I started on my way home, still singing, while listening to my I-phone, this time.
Somewhere along the way my phone and I pic it up, we talk for a while until he tells me to wait for a couple of minutes while he does something. So he puts down the phone, and I starts to quietly sing again. Since I was using the handsfree, I figured I would hear it when he picked up the bloody phone again. But no. That of course, didn't happen.
He picked up the phone, without my knowledge when I sang "So put out your cigarette and kiss me on the lips tonight" (Love and Affections, Neon Trees) Which he then replays to with: Sweetie... I don't smoke, but if you want to kiss me I that badly, you can just tell me...
Then I looked like this: D: After a minute of silence he chuckles and asks me if I'm still there. I nod my head, stupidly, not realizing he doesn't see me. Then I manage to say yes and excuse myself from the phone call because I was driving. Smooth... Real smooth.
He of course realized how embarrassed I was, and this resulted in a lot of interesting phone calls throughout the night.
Then today, while I was waiting for work to start I got a phone call. Unknown number... (like always I might add), but I knew who it was, well there could only be one of 6-7 people, so I almost knew.
They didn't say anything, just started singing, and this is what I got, lyrics underneath:
Three guys, singing their heart out. I was like D: when I heard the lyrics. 'You make love to everything you touch...' loved it though. Until he said: This song fits perfectly! He and those three boys had searched up the song, and learnt it over night. Cute. Didn't know what to say though, but they are the sweetest. Almost. Actually I think I said: you've never slept in the room next to me. And he replied with smart ass. Have no idea what he's trying to insinuate.
Hope you had a happy valentines day, any interesting gifts?
So today is valentines day, and I've never cared much for it at all. But this year something unusual happened, and it probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't made such a fool out of myself yesterday.
It started out when I was driving (the awesomest) Anne home, after watching Lord of the Rings, return of the king. I was using my uncles car, and you can't listen to music there, because the stereo is broken. I HATE to drive without music. I mean, that's 70% of the reason why I drive, I can bellow out the lyrics and nobody gives a damn.
So we sat in the car singing, to make up for the fact that we had no music. Since I have practically brainwashed her with 30 seconds to mars, that was our mainly source on the way. 20 minutes later I after saying our good byes I started on my way home, still singing, while listening to my I-phone, this time.
Somewhere along the way my phone and I pic it up, we talk for a while until he tells me to wait for a couple of minutes while he does something. So he puts down the phone, and I starts to quietly sing again. Since I was using the handsfree, I figured I would hear it when he picked up the bloody phone again. But no. That of course, didn't happen.
He picked up the phone, without my knowledge when I sang "So put out your cigarette and kiss me on the lips tonight" (Love and Affections, Neon Trees) Which he then replays to with: Sweetie... I don't smoke, but if you want to kiss me I that badly, you can just tell me...
Then I looked like this: D: After a minute of silence he chuckles and asks me if I'm still there. I nod my head, stupidly, not realizing he doesn't see me. Then I manage to say yes and excuse myself from the phone call because I was driving. Smooth... Real smooth.
He of course realized how embarrassed I was, and this resulted in a lot of interesting phone calls throughout the night.
Then today, while I was waiting for work to start I got a phone call. Unknown number... (like always I might add), but I knew who it was, well there could only be one of 6-7 people, so I almost knew.
They didn't say anything, just started singing, and this is what I got, lyrics underneath:
There you go
Messin' with my mind
I am usually better when I lie
There i
Go
Stuck inside a shell
And you're living on the other side
A lovers carousel
If you only knew...
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I lose control
When I hear your body move
Through the walls
In the next room
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I lose control
When I hear your body move
And I'm dying to break through
To the next room
You make love to everything you touch
It's a natural reaction
It's a sexual attraction
You play me like I am made of strings
I'm a violin, a melody
I want your lips to sing
If you only knew
How hard it is to handle
How bad I want this scandal
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I lose control
When I hear your body move
Through the walls in the next room
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I lose control
When I hear your body move
And I'm dying to break through
To the next room
Tell me 'my world revolves around you'
Tell me 'boy I can't live without you'
Tell me 'you're losing sleep tonight'
Cuz
I'll tell you straight
I'll never wait
I won't take
No no no no no no no no
Oh I lose control
When I hear your body move
When I hear your body move
Ohhhoohhhhhh
My heart
You stole
Every time your body moves
I'm just dying to break through
To the next room
Three guys, singing their heart out. I was like D: when I heard the lyrics. 'You make love to everything you touch...' loved it though. Until he said: This song fits perfectly! He and those three boys had searched up the song, and learnt it over night. Cute. Didn't know what to say though, but they are the sweetest. Almost. Actually I think I said: you've never slept in the room next to me. And he replied with smart ass. Have no idea what he's trying to insinuate.
Hope you had a happy valentines day, any interesting gifts?
februar 01, 2011
Secrets
A friend of mine once told me that I should try to write down five bad and five good things about myself. To write more about the good stuff than the bad. At the end there should be a secret that most people don't know about. Show it to someone, not necessarily your best friend. Be bold. So why not take it one step further and post it on the blog. Show it to anyone who wants to see it.
Can't believe I'm about to do this.
The thing is... I'm not a sharer. I usually listen to people ramble on about this and that, but almost never tell them personal stuff myself, except small stuff. So here it goes...
The Bad Stuff (Could probably go on and on here but I'll narrow it down)
1 - I've never been happy with the way I look.
I'm not going to write ugly, because that's what everyone else does. Every insecure boy or girl in the world. I'm not saying I'm not insecure, but we'll cover that later. I've never liked the way I look, not my body, not my face, not my hair. The list is endless, but I won't bother you with it.
2 - Emotional wreck/ trust issues
I have a hard time showing my feelings, mostly because I'm uncomfortable with it. I'm good at saying I'm fine, nothings wrong. But the lying we'll talk about later. I don't trust people. I don't tell them stuff. I've learned the hard way, that sometimes, people aren't all that great.
I hate to cry because it makes me feel weak. Therefore I never cry.
I love my friends, I seriously do, but most of them don't actually know me as well as they think they do.
3 - Insecure
I'm so freaking insecure, painfully so even. Insecure about myself, my feelings, my thoughts, you name it. I automatically assume that people look down on me, that they don't like me. So I joke a lot. Mostly I joke about myself. If someone jokes and say I have a bad hair day I automatically believe them and then make a joke about it myself.
4 - Shy
People who know me would probably argue on this, because most of the time I push myself not to be. But I am, give me a couple of unknown people, 9 out of 10 times I'll make a fool out of myself and then try to laugh it off afterwards.
5 - Liar
Most of the time I'm a smooth liar. I lie when people ask if I'm OK.
Not all the time though, I have my good and bad days like everyone else. I hate when people ask me if I'm alright, wether it has to do with me being injured or just sad. Last year when I had seven stitches on my forehead, I lost count of how many times people asked me. I know they do it to be nice, because the care, whatever. But I can't stand it. So I lie.
Good Stuff
1 - Nice eyes
If people comment on anything it is my eyes. Not always they're pretty, more like: They are insanely intense! Actually this really old lady told me a few weeks ago, while I was helping her to pick out some curtains, that I had the most intense eyes she had ever seen. And she had seen quite a lot! As I only gaped at her for a while and then started to talk about the curtains again she patted me on my back and said it was meant as a compliment. Think I smiled the rest of the day.
2 - Easy to befriend
I'm not sure about this one, but people tell me I'm easy to become friends with. I hope so, I know how it's like to feel left out, so I try to make sure other people don't.
3 - Mentally strong
I may not be the fittest person around (most likely the laziest), but I most of the time push myself so much mentally that I can do just about anything. Last year, while training in the pool our teacher said that if anyone dared, they should try to do a backflip down from 7 meters. None of us dared. Than a boy in my class went joking around and did a backflip from 3 meters, before he turned to me, knowing I would most likely listen to him, and said; you don't have the guts to do it, right?
So I went up the ladder, but didn't stop at 3 meters, not at 5 either. With my back against the pool I stood on the tips of my toes, trying to breathe evenly as my heart raced. My teacher followed me and stood leaning against the railing, telling me that I shouldn't do it if I wasn't sure. So I did it.
And landed flat on my neck after spinning 1 and a half times round. Knocked all breath out of my system and came up from the water spitting and couching. Not a pretty sight. Two minutes later I did it again, and did a perfect backflip. I loved it.
4 - Caring
I care for people, sometimes a little bit too much, but I do. I had to see other people sad and will do just about anything to make them feel better. Unless I'm mad at them. I can be pretty viscous then. But only if they did something utterly stupid or unfair.
I'll kill you if you hurt my closest friends though, I broke a guys nose in the Czech Republic because he was stupidly drunk and kept hitting on my friend even though she was clearly saying no. Fractured two of my knuckles but it was well worth it. He had to wear a metal braze for 2 months. Spoke to him the day afterwards and he was surprisingly cool about it. Said it was all his fault and that it was pretty cool being punched out of a girl half his size. If he had to endure a broken nose he would do it with style.
5 - Creative
I like painting, drawing, writing, playing instruments. I'm not saying I'm good at it, but I enjoy it. I like making personal gifts to people, I like to write because then I can slip into another world. I like to play because I can express my feelings. I like doing things myself. And it's nice to have a way of showing my feelings when I can't seem to find another way to do so.
So that was that. And now over to the secret. While writing this I have had my doubts about posting this at all, most off all the secrets. How easy wouldn't it be to edit it out? But I'm not going to, I'm turning over a new leaf and starting over.
When I was a little girl, from I was 4-6 years old I was sexually abused by one of my uncles. He never had sex with me, it stopped before that, but I still think about it. What if my mom hadn't asked me that day why I had shouted no when he asked me to do something?
My aunt, my mothers sister divorced him of course. She have three kids herself and they are all grown ups, but the middle one won't even meet me, or my family because he is so ashamed. Ashamed of what his father did to me.
Most of it I have blocked out of my mind, so I only remember bits and pieces of it. My mother of course tried to get me to talk about it, but I only started crying and refused to tell her anything, everyone told it was not my fault, but there is always the what ifs?
My father, didn't talk about it, and since I always looked up to my father I started to shut down, hide everything inside and just try to move on. Probably not the wisest decision but it's done. We didn't go to court with it, I refused talking about it and therefore there was no use. I wish I had, because most likely he abused other girls living around him as well.
I remember being afraid of meeting him whenever I went into the city, even though he lived 90 minutes away. One day though when I was about 11 my mother told me he was dead. Suicide. I remembered just nodding my head, not reacting at all on the outside.
But I was happy, I know that's a horrible thing to say, you shouldn't be happy over another persons death, but I was so glad that I didn't have to worry about meeting him anymore.
So that's my secret. My dark disgusting secret that I hate to talk about. But I know there are others that have experienced much worse. So feel free to contact me, you shouldn't keep it inside like I did, because it's not your fault. I'm starting to realize that myself, and I wish that when it happened to me I had had the guts to talk about it.
But who knows, maybe this thing, posting this about myself out here helps, maybe I'll learn to get over it.
Know that someone always cares for you - xx
Can't believe I'm about to do this.
The thing is... I'm not a sharer. I usually listen to people ramble on about this and that, but almost never tell them personal stuff myself, except small stuff. So here it goes...
The Bad Stuff (Could probably go on and on here but I'll narrow it down)
1 - I've never been happy with the way I look.
I'm not going to write ugly, because that's what everyone else does. Every insecure boy or girl in the world. I'm not saying I'm not insecure, but we'll cover that later. I've never liked the way I look, not my body, not my face, not my hair. The list is endless, but I won't bother you with it.
2 - Emotional wreck/ trust issues
I have a hard time showing my feelings, mostly because I'm uncomfortable with it. I'm good at saying I'm fine, nothings wrong. But the lying we'll talk about later. I don't trust people. I don't tell them stuff. I've learned the hard way, that sometimes, people aren't all that great.
I hate to cry because it makes me feel weak. Therefore I never cry.
I love my friends, I seriously do, but most of them don't actually know me as well as they think they do.
3 - Insecure
I'm so freaking insecure, painfully so even. Insecure about myself, my feelings, my thoughts, you name it. I automatically assume that people look down on me, that they don't like me. So I joke a lot. Mostly I joke about myself. If someone jokes and say I have a bad hair day I automatically believe them and then make a joke about it myself.
4 - Shy
People who know me would probably argue on this, because most of the time I push myself not to be. But I am, give me a couple of unknown people, 9 out of 10 times I'll make a fool out of myself and then try to laugh it off afterwards.
5 - Liar
Most of the time I'm a smooth liar. I lie when people ask if I'm OK.
Not all the time though, I have my good and bad days like everyone else. I hate when people ask me if I'm alright, wether it has to do with me being injured or just sad. Last year when I had seven stitches on my forehead, I lost count of how many times people asked me. I know they do it to be nice, because the care, whatever. But I can't stand it. So I lie.
Good Stuff
1 - Nice eyes
If people comment on anything it is my eyes. Not always they're pretty, more like: They are insanely intense! Actually this really old lady told me a few weeks ago, while I was helping her to pick out some curtains, that I had the most intense eyes she had ever seen. And she had seen quite a lot! As I only gaped at her for a while and then started to talk about the curtains again she patted me on my back and said it was meant as a compliment. Think I smiled the rest of the day.
2 - Easy to befriend
I'm not sure about this one, but people tell me I'm easy to become friends with. I hope so, I know how it's like to feel left out, so I try to make sure other people don't.
3 - Mentally strong
I may not be the fittest person around (most likely the laziest), but I most of the time push myself so much mentally that I can do just about anything. Last year, while training in the pool our teacher said that if anyone dared, they should try to do a backflip down from 7 meters. None of us dared. Than a boy in my class went joking around and did a backflip from 3 meters, before he turned to me, knowing I would most likely listen to him, and said; you don't have the guts to do it, right?
So I went up the ladder, but didn't stop at 3 meters, not at 5 either. With my back against the pool I stood on the tips of my toes, trying to breathe evenly as my heart raced. My teacher followed me and stood leaning against the railing, telling me that I shouldn't do it if I wasn't sure. So I did it.
And landed flat on my neck after spinning 1 and a half times round. Knocked all breath out of my system and came up from the water spitting and couching. Not a pretty sight. Two minutes later I did it again, and did a perfect backflip. I loved it.
4 - Caring
I care for people, sometimes a little bit too much, but I do. I had to see other people sad and will do just about anything to make them feel better. Unless I'm mad at them. I can be pretty viscous then. But only if they did something utterly stupid or unfair.
I'll kill you if you hurt my closest friends though, I broke a guys nose in the Czech Republic because he was stupidly drunk and kept hitting on my friend even though she was clearly saying no. Fractured two of my knuckles but it was well worth it. He had to wear a metal braze for 2 months. Spoke to him the day afterwards and he was surprisingly cool about it. Said it was all his fault and that it was pretty cool being punched out of a girl half his size. If he had to endure a broken nose he would do it with style.
5 - Creative
I like painting, drawing, writing, playing instruments. I'm not saying I'm good at it, but I enjoy it. I like making personal gifts to people, I like to write because then I can slip into another world. I like to play because I can express my feelings. I like doing things myself. And it's nice to have a way of showing my feelings when I can't seem to find another way to do so.
So that was that. And now over to the secret. While writing this I have had my doubts about posting this at all, most off all the secrets. How easy wouldn't it be to edit it out? But I'm not going to, I'm turning over a new leaf and starting over.
When I was a little girl, from I was 4-6 years old I was sexually abused by one of my uncles. He never had sex with me, it stopped before that, but I still think about it. What if my mom hadn't asked me that day why I had shouted no when he asked me to do something?
My aunt, my mothers sister divorced him of course. She have three kids herself and they are all grown ups, but the middle one won't even meet me, or my family because he is so ashamed. Ashamed of what his father did to me.
Most of it I have blocked out of my mind, so I only remember bits and pieces of it. My mother of course tried to get me to talk about it, but I only started crying and refused to tell her anything, everyone told it was not my fault, but there is always the what ifs?
My father, didn't talk about it, and since I always looked up to my father I started to shut down, hide everything inside and just try to move on. Probably not the wisest decision but it's done. We didn't go to court with it, I refused talking about it and therefore there was no use. I wish I had, because most likely he abused other girls living around him as well.
I remember being afraid of meeting him whenever I went into the city, even though he lived 90 minutes away. One day though when I was about 11 my mother told me he was dead. Suicide. I remembered just nodding my head, not reacting at all on the outside.
But I was happy, I know that's a horrible thing to say, you shouldn't be happy over another persons death, but I was so glad that I didn't have to worry about meeting him anymore.
So that's my secret. My dark disgusting secret that I hate to talk about. But I know there are others that have experienced much worse. So feel free to contact me, you shouldn't keep it inside like I did, because it's not your fault. I'm starting to realize that myself, and I wish that when it happened to me I had had the guts to talk about it.
But who knows, maybe this thing, posting this about myself out here helps, maybe I'll learn to get over it.
Know that someone always cares for you - xx
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