Secrets

A friend of mine once told me that I should try to write down five bad and five good things about myself. To write more about the good stuff than the bad. At the end there should be a secret that most people don't know about. Show it to someone, not necessarily your best friend. Be bold. So why not take it one step further and post it on the blog. Show it to anyone who wants to see it.

Can't believe I'm about to do this.

The thing is... I'm not a sharer. I usually listen to people ramble on about this and that, but almost never tell them personal stuff myself, except small stuff. So here it goes...

The Bad Stuff (Could probably go on and on here but I'll narrow it down)

1 - I've never been happy with the way I look. 
I'm not going to write ugly, because that's what everyone else does. Every insecure boy or girl in the world. I'm not saying I'm not insecure, but we'll cover that later. I've never liked the way I look, not my body, not my face, not my hair. The list is endless, but I won't bother you with it.


2 - Emotional wreck/ trust issues
I have a hard time showing my feelings, mostly because I'm uncomfortable with it. I'm good at saying I'm fine, nothings wrong. But the lying we'll talk about later. I don't trust people. I don't tell them stuff. I've learned the hard way, that sometimes, people aren't all that great.

I hate to cry because it makes me feel weak. Therefore I never cry.
I love my friends, I seriously do, but most of them don't actually know me as well as they think they do.

3 - Insecure 
I'm so freaking insecure, painfully so even. Insecure about myself, my feelings, my thoughts, you name it. I automatically assume that people look down on me, that they don't like me. So I joke a lot. Mostly I joke about myself. If someone jokes and say I have a bad hair day I automatically believe them and then make a joke about it myself.


4 - Shy
People who know me would probably argue on this, because most of the time I push myself not to be. But I am, give me a couple of unknown people, 9 out of 10 times I'll make a fool out of myself and then try to laugh it off afterwards.


5 - Liar
Most of the time I'm a smooth liar. I lie when people ask if I'm OK.
Not all the time though, I have my good and bad days like everyone else. I hate when people ask me if I'm alright, wether it has to do with me being injured or just sad. Last year when I had seven stitches on my forehead, I lost count of how many times people asked me. I know they do it to be nice, because the care, whatever. But I can't stand it. So I lie.


Good Stuff 


1 - Nice eyes
If people comment on anything it is my eyes. Not always they're pretty, more like: They are insanely intense! Actually this really old lady told me a few weeks ago, while I was helping her to pick out some curtains, that I had the most intense eyes she had ever seen. And she had seen quite a lot! As I only gaped at her for a while and then started to talk about the curtains again she patted me on my back and said it was meant as a compliment. Think I smiled the rest of the day.


2 - Easy to befriend 
I'm not sure about this one, but people tell me I'm easy to become friends with. I hope so, I know how it's like to feel left out, so I try to make sure other people don't.


3 - Mentally strong 
I may not be the fittest person around (most likely the laziest), but I most of the time push myself so much mentally that I can do just about anything. Last year, while training in the pool our teacher said that if anyone dared, they should try to do a backflip down from 7 meters. None of us dared. Than a boy in my class went joking around and did a backflip from 3 meters, before he turned to me, knowing I would most likely listen to him, and said; you don't have the guts to do it, right?

So I went up the ladder, but didn't stop at 3 meters, not at 5 either. With my back against the pool I stood on the tips of my toes, trying to breathe evenly as my heart raced. My teacher followed me and stood leaning against the railing, telling me that I shouldn't do it if I wasn't sure. So I did it.

And landed flat on my neck after spinning 1 and a half times round. Knocked all breath out of my system and came up from the water spitting and couching. Not a pretty sight. Two minutes later I did it again, and did a perfect backflip. I loved it.


4 - Caring
I care for people, sometimes a little bit too much, but I do. I had to see other people sad and will do just about anything to make them feel better. Unless I'm mad at them. I can be pretty viscous then. But only if they did something utterly stupid or unfair.

I'll kill you if you hurt my closest friends though, I broke a guys nose in the Czech Republic because he was stupidly drunk and kept hitting on my friend even though she was clearly saying no. Fractured two of my knuckles but it was well worth it. He had to wear a metal braze for 2 months. Spoke to him the day afterwards and he was surprisingly cool about it. Said it was all his fault and that it was pretty cool being punched out of a girl half his size. If he had to endure a broken nose he would do it with style.


5 - Creative
I like painting, drawing, writing, playing instruments. I'm not saying I'm good at it, but I enjoy it. I like making personal gifts to people, I like to write because then I can slip into another world. I like to play because I can express my feelings. I like doing things myself. And it's nice to have a way of showing my feelings when I can't seem to find another way to do so.


So that was that. And now over to the secret. While writing this I have had my doubts about posting this at all, most off all the secrets. How easy wouldn't it be to edit it out? But I'm not going to, I'm turning over a new leaf and starting over.

When I was a little girl, from I was 4-6 years old I was sexually abused by one of my uncles. He never had sex with me, it stopped before that, but I still think about it. What if my mom hadn't asked me that day why I had shouted no when he asked me to do something?

My aunt, my mothers sister divorced him of course. She have three kids herself and they are all grown ups, but the middle one won't even meet me, or my family because he is so ashamed. Ashamed of what his father did to me.

Most of it I have blocked out of my mind, so I only remember bits and pieces of it. My mother of course tried to get me to talk about it, but I only started crying and refused to tell her anything, everyone told it was not my fault, but there is always the what ifs?

My father, didn't talk about it, and since I always looked up to my father I started to shut down, hide everything inside and just try to move on. Probably not the wisest decision but it's done. We didn't go to court with it, I refused talking about it and therefore there was no use. I wish I had, because most likely he abused other girls living around him as well.

I remember being afraid of meeting him whenever I went into the city, even though he lived 90 minutes away. One day though when I was about 11 my mother told me he was dead. Suicide. I remembered just nodding my head, not reacting at all on the outside.

But I was happy, I know that's a horrible thing to say, you shouldn't be happy over another persons death, but I was so glad that I didn't have to worry about meeting him anymore.

So that's my secret. My dark disgusting secret that I hate to talk about. But I know there are others that have experienced much worse. So feel free to contact me, you shouldn't keep it inside like I did, because it's not your fault. I'm starting to realize that myself, and I wish that when it happened to me I had had the guts to talk about it.

But who knows, maybe this thing, posting this about myself out here helps, maybe I'll learn to get over it.

Know that someone always cares for you - xx